A Formal Request For Emergency Funds From the Bank of Burque Babble

The Bank of Burque Babble (BBB) formally announces that it is foundering, and in need of significant government assistance. We're not proud of it, but BBB has made a series of imprudent financial decisions in recent years that have left it in a precarious position. We are, of course, referring to our sizable investments in the purchase of foreign and U.S. microbrewery beer, not to mention our Netflix, XM Radio and Broadband cable entertainment holdings.

These exposures combined with the rising costs of health care and little doo-dads to put on our commuter bicycle have left us at risk of becoming insolvent. We acknowledge that even the merest of regulatory safeguards could have helped prevent this crisis, and that we should have started using Quicken years ago.

Still, BBB is not alone. This morning the U.S. Government is announcing a plan to pump $250 billion into the nation's banks to help prevent their demise. BBB simply asks for its share in this bailout, which by our calculations would be something in the order of $2250 (dividing total U.S. households banks by $250 billion). This immediate infusion of government-backed cash will insure solvency for BBB through the critical next few months of this credit crisis and reduce the number of credit card phone calls bothering the wife of certain BBB banking officials.

On the off chance other households banks do not request funds, BBB is prepared to really solidify its place in a post-crisis banking environment and ask for a billion or two. Just a billion will be enough really. You can't imagine how a billion dollars right now would change the financial complexion of BBB. For one thing, it would allow BBB to get that really nice bike light, the rechargeable one with the constant 5,000 candlepower of directed light. Hell, with a billion dollars we could get 8 million of these Cateye HL-EL610RC lights (and the bank would even agree to pay the $4.99 flat shipping out of our own pocket).

But we're not greedy. We'll just take the one really nice bike light, a new set of panniers...and that Thule rack we've never been able to afford. Basic necessities to merely remain solvent in today's wintry economic climate.

Thank you for quickly considering this request, especially if we can receive the bailout funds before our Netflix bill comes due. We don't want to be forced to drop to the two-at-a-time plan...that would just about kill us.