Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Governor Creates New Mexico UnRebate Program

Fresh on the heels of a Rebate Program to address skyrocketing gasoline prices, certainly-soon-to-be-outgoing New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson today announced creation of a new "UnRebate" program designed to address plummeting gasoline prices and the general fact that the State is quickly going into the financial toilet.

"By latest estimate, the State is five hundred million in the hole," the Governor began a press conference dedicated to the measure. "Oil is fifty five bucks a barrel, and we're only getting about four and a quarter for natural gas. What we need, right away, is a government economic stimulus package to prevent the "Land of Enchantment" from becoming the "Land of..." at this point the Governor, admittedly distracted in recent days by all the possible positions he might fill in the Obama Administration, stopped the press conference to ask spokesperson Gilbert Gallegos for help.

"Gilbert...hey, what's a good line to use here? Land of what?"

"Land of Utter and Complete Governmental Implosion," Gallegos replied.

"Nah, too long. Forget fancy titles. We're talking 'Land of No Enchantment' here, 'Unenchanted Land", 'La Tierra sin Encantado' or some such."

The Governor continued with a four point "UnRebate Plan" to revitalize the State.

"First, we're putting an immediate stop payment on all the checks we just sent out for the earlier Rebate Program. Boy was that a stupid idea. And don't go trying to cash those things after hearing this announcement. We already talked to all the banks, so if you waited until now, tough. Haven't you poor bastards learned not to stall when you're handed some free money from the Government?

"Second, we're instituting a new program in which everyone who filed a 2007 state income tax return must start writing us checks, deadline December Fifteenth of this year. Just as with that Rebate Program idea, we're tying the amount immediately owed to a person's income and number of dependents. Those making under thirty thousand will only owe us a hundred bucks. Between thirty and one-hundred thousand you owe two-fifty and if there is anyone left out there making over one-hundred you're basically gonna need to shell out a grand at least. We're in trouble here. On the dependent kid front, I decided to change things up a bit there, and we're just gonna charge a flat $100 per kid 'crappy fuel price surcharge'. That makes the math easier, and besides it's all these kids causing us to spend so much money on public education anyway.

"Third, just as with the old Rebate Program, we've designated a Special Day to mark "New Mexico Tax UnRebate Day". That day is the aforementioned December Fifteenth. To be honest, the whole Special Day thing never took off with the Rebate Program. Do any of you reporters even remember what day it was supposed to be? I'll buy anybody here a margarita if they can guess the date, seriously. Nobody? Nobody? October Eighth, it was October Eighth. Man, was that whole program a cluster.....anyway, and I don't want anybody to start calling this Plan a 'tax'. It's not a tax. It's an 'UnRebate', and I think patriotic and forward-thinking New Mexicans will understand that and eagerly participate in the program.

"Oh, and lastly part four of my plan, and this is the best part I think. I want every New Mexican to start writing letters, emails, text messages and whatever Hell else communication methods you kids are using today to President Elect Obama and convince him to hire me as Secretary of State instead of Hillary or John Kerry or whoever the Hell else he and his team are thinking of. See New Mexico, if you help me become Secretary of State I will promise to talk to everybody in Washington. I'll talk to all those Treasury types throwing around billions for bailout this and rescue that. I'll talk to everybody in Congress, including those on the committees trying to oversee the bailout. And I'll most certainly talk to our President-Elect and Joe Biden and anybody else who'll listen that New Mexico needs help.

"Just as importantly, I'll also talk to leaders of other countries around the world. In fact that will be my job. And in those talks I'll paint these foreign dignitaries the prettiest picture of New Mexico that ever been verbally painted. I'll be a freakin' Vermeer meets Renoir of picture painting, and I'll just bet that once these foreign leaders hear my story they'll be falling over themselves to help revitalize New Mexico's economy through the purchase and takeover of the many dirt-cheap and bankrupt firms that have sprung up while I've been your Governor. Worried about Eclipse Aviation or Advent Solar? Well make me Secretary of State and you won't need to be. I'll have some Canadians or North Koreans bailing those firms out pronto. And that's a promise."

The Governor then quickly left the podium as he was called by Mr. Gallegos and other staffers. Mention was overheard by several press members present that President Elect Obama "or someone who was close, or fairly close, or at least in zip code proximity to Obama" was on the line wishing to speak to Richardson.

Gallegos came to the podium, reminded reporters gathered that "December Fifteenth is New Mexico Tax UnRebate Day" and began to recite a short list of special ceremonies taking place on the newly created "Day".

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