Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Bigots & Drag Queens & Senators, Oh My....

You couldn't swing a dead fox stole yesterday without hitting a direct/indirect comment or visual regarding "alternative lifestyles".

Due to my glorious seasonal unemployment as a teacher, I had the chance to watch some of the U.S. Senate debate yesterday on the "Marriage Protection Amendment". Maybe "chance" isn't the right word. Perhaps "projectile vomit-inducing opportunity" better captures my mood as a viewer. My gastro-intestinal system didn't permit me to watch the whole thing, but I did get to see Louisiana Senatore David Vitter say outrageously idiotic things, such as:

"When we look at so many of the social ills we try to address in Congress with Government programs and proposals, serious social problems such as drug abuse, teenage pregnancy, and the like, perhaps the single biggest predictor of good results versus bad results is whether kids come from a stable, loving, nurturing, two-parent family, a mother and a father."

I'm guessing that gay couples aren't a huge factor in regards to teenage pregnancies. Also, it is logically evident from Senator Vitter's comments that the piss-poor status of marriage these days is an osmosis-like intrusive bleeding effect of all these gay couples wanting to get legally married. Otherwise, you'd get the idea that Vitter was actually suggesting an "Incontrovertable Marriage Act" that would outlaw divorce.

Perhaps Vitter is also arguing for a "'Stable, Loving, Nurturing Family' Act" that would somehow penalize families that aren't "stable, loving and nurturing". If such an act passed, we could probably just get rid of the Federal Income Tax, based on the fines the government could accrue from families not being "stable, loving and nurturing" enough. A simple fine system could be put in place, as follows:

  • $25 fine: Parent calling son "a failure who will never amount to nothing"
  • $100 fine: Mom putting total guilt trip on daughter by blaming daughter's inability to "get a man" as a cause of Mom's failing health
  • $1000 fine: Sexual dalliance by either Mom or Dad
  • $10,000 fine: Dad moving out of home because he started diddling that hot young babe in accounting.
Hell, we'd have the federal deficit taken care of in no time.

Meanwhile, that hot cowboy crooner, Utah Senator Orrin Hatch got all bitchy with his old friend (seriously) Senator Edward Kennedy, after Ted said "the Republican leadership is asking us to spend time writing bigotry into the Constitution". Orrin came back with :

"Does he really want to suggest that over half of the United States Senate is a crew of bigots?"

Uh, if we lived in anything approaching a perfect world, Senator Hatch, that's exactly what Senator Ted would have said. Because it's true.

And that gets us to Mary Herrera winning the Secretary of State primary race. You may ask yourself..."what does Mary Herrera have to do with the issue of gender preference and sexual roles?" You might think that this might be some "outing" of Mary Herrera, a vicious unfounded rumor, the kind blogs are famous for.

But this is nothing of the sort...I merely wish to point out that I finally figured out why Herrera has always scared me so much. I thought about it while checking primary election results and it finally hit me:

Mary Herrera is the secret fourth member of the drag-queen gang from "To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar"!

Let's check the evidence:

Okay, inconclusive...let's take another look

That's it! Mary Herrera isn't the fourth member, she IS Patrick Swayze from "...Wong Foo"!

The possibilities for traumatizing Un-"Stable, Loving, and Nurturing" psychic damage resulting from this Swayze-Herrera revelation stagger the mind. I think we need an Amendment to the U.S. Constitution dealing with this subject, and fast.

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