Thursday, September 24, 2009

Dear New Republican Friends of Public Education

Dear Republicans and Republican Party:

I know we haven't hung out much recently. I've been real bad about returning phone calls, getting together with you or even acknowledging you exist. I know I've had the tendency, pretty much ever since I was old enough to know there was a difference between "Democrat" and "Republican", to shriek in horror whenever I run into a position of yours.

I don't want to dwell on the past, or thinking/logic and all that stuff, but your positions on things like health care, immigration, abortion, foreign policy, "marriage", religion, global warming, gun control abstinence-only education, and U.S.A! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! all make me want to barf. Truth be told, they still do.

There...I said it. And I said it not only because it's still true, but because as new friends we need to understand each other. We need to communicate.

And I'm here today to talk to you, dear Republicans, about a way we can start a beautiful friendship. Admittedly, it probably will never turn into one of those friendships where I call you up and we go out and have a beer. I doubt it will lead to us going bowling together. I really can't see us emailing each other about "our day", and how we "feel" about events going on in our lives.

But that's not to say these things are impossible.

In the next year or so Congress is finally going to get around to reauthorizing No Child Left Behind (NCLB). You know, that thing sponsored back in the early aughts by two people you despise: Ted Kennedy and George W. Bush. Well, it's going to come up again after this health care fiasco gets settled and NCLB reauthorization offers us a chance to get together, so to speak.

You see, NCLB has things about it I hate, and you hate. And nothing brings folks together like hate. Now you're probably thinking at this point, "hey, if Scot hates something it must be a damn good idea and I need to support it 100%!". Trust me, that's my default reaction too.

But listen for a second. NCLB is a federal program that mandates educational policy to states and local school districts.

Let me say that again, slower for those Republicans who aren't the brightest star in the political constellation. NCLB gives.... power... to the FEDERAL (evil, sinister, enemy) government over state and local (good 'ol boys, drinking buddies, folks that look the same as you) governments. Need I say's SOCIALISM. NCLB IS SOCIALISM.

Okay, that was a cheap card to play, and I apologize to any of my heretofore "lefty" friends who just read the above paragraph and are freaking out.

But to reiterate, dear Republicans, all you need to know about this NCLB thing is socialism, anti-States' Rights, Ted Kennedy and George W. Bush. I won't bore you with the problems I find in NCLB, as it would just raise suspicions and muddy the simple waters. Just keep repeating the mantra, "Ted Kennedy, socialism, States' Rights, and that traitor Bush who ended up yanking up the deficit like he was some commie FDR or something...Ted Kennedy, socialism...and that..."

Alright, I admit that's a pretty lousy mantra. Hard to start foaming at the mouth "teabagger style" with phrases like "yanking up the deficit"...I tell ya what, you make up your own mantra. You're good at that simplistic, illogical slogan thing better than us Lefty types anyway.

Just make sure you have "States' Rights" in there. Over and over. Think about it. And I'm not making this up or trying to fool you. For a change. I'm telling you the truth here. NCLB is anti-States' Rights. I'll swear it on a stack of Communist Manifestos.

Dear new friends, consider the above a small, humble olive branch offered to you from a poor soul just trying to find common ground in a minefield of divisive rancor. A simple gift of political thought that might lead, maybe, to the best kind of bi-partisanship there is: Destroying stuff.

You and me, Republicans, we can blow up NCLB. Blow it up real good. Just like you like it. Just like on "Dukes of Hazzard", or in those Terminator movies you guys love so much. You and I, hand in hand in a concerted act of well-intentioned demolition.

This might be the only chance we ever get to hold political hands, Repub friends. Take my hand. Just don't squeeze too hard....we might want to go bowling later.


Jimi said...

Guess what Scot...Ted Kennedy..DEMOCRAT..SOCIALIST SENATOR..hrm..wasnt he the one who drafted the NCLB propaganda? Like I talked about yesterday, John Taylor Gatto's Against School article reveals the problem with public education. At any rate, Im on the fence on NCLB. In theory its a great thing because it forces everybody to be on the same page. On the other its awful because it forces teachers to teach to the test. I think its damned if you do and damned if you dont in public education. I say that what education really comes down to is not the political system at all. It comes down to the student, parent, and a quality teacher who is willing to break the monotony of the bureaucratic school system and engage their students to think for themselves.

Anonymous said...

One of your best! Every year while teaching 8th grade SS they read that the STATES have control over local education. Then we all wonder why NCLB has not been deemed unconstitutional!

Steve said...

I want to sign up for the NCLB death panel too. Unfortunately, education/NCLB is the cash cow, whipping boy, can't miss issue, perfect distraction, proof we're doing something, get the commies, etc., etc. perfect political program. Politicians will NEVER give this up, nor fully fund it. "Public schools are failing", and "my mistress can be trusted" are the two "truths" that all politicians currently base their careers on. And besides, its the Freemasons you really need to appeal to, not the Republicans.

Mario Burgos said...

I still don't understand why we can't go grab a beer? Although, it would have to be a better variety of beer than that served at the last beer summit.

jscotkey said...

Jimi: Yes, that was Senator Kennedy, hence the reference here.

Mario: We can go grab a beer anytime you like. I can't remember what the Gates/cop/Obama "summit" featured (oh, that's what the Internet is for..hold on a second...)

Bud Light??!!???

Disgraceful. Forget health care and all that, I now understand the lower Obama approval ratings.