Thursday, October 12, 2006

If It's a Boy, We'll Call it Exxono: Stupid Mailers and Kubrick

Just today I recieved what I believe could be the single strongest nominee for "Stupidest Campaign Mailer of Election '06". I know...the race for "Stupidest Mailer" is an incredibly hard-fought contest, featuring myriad entrants engaging countless numbers of illogical attacks, blatantly unfair self-congratulation, and cuddly puppies. To win such a competition a mailer must combine the illogical, unfair and cuddly in a way that goes beyond the mundanely obnoxious to the sublimely stupid.

As seen above, I believe the brand-new Madrid mailer with uber-cuddly, adorable kids emblazoned trademarkishly as "Exxono" and "Chevrona" breaks new, undeniably stupid ground. With the header "Would Heather Wilson (the name in big yellow letters) pay more attention to New Mexico children if they were named Exxono and Chevrona?" above the toothsomely adorable younguns, this ad proclaims not only that it's willing to exploit little kids to make a childish statement, it's more than willing to juxtapose perhaps overly toothsome children with evil corporations so simplistically as to make one wonder if the campaign imagines voters to have an IQ somewhere between Austrolopithicus and Larry the Cable Guy.

One can imagine the intended caveman audience of this mailer:

Shot 1: Caveman walks to mailbox, fingers dragging ground.
Shot 2: Caveman opens mailbox, uses newly opposable thumb to grasp mail.
Shot 3: Caveman glances at "Exxono/Chevrona" mailer.
Shot 4: Caveman mouths words "Exxono" and "Chevrona" to self repeatedly.
Shot 5: Light-bulb cartoon bubble appears above Caveman.
Shot 6: Caveman jumps up and down in monkey-like fashion while screeching: "Wilson equals Exxon, Wilson equals Chevron". Rest of day's mail falls to ground.
Shot 7: Large black monolith appears in front of Caveman.
(Music: Strauss' "Also Sprach Zarathustra" rises)
Shot 8: Caveman stops jumping and says in an almost fully human voice: "What toothsome children!"
Shot 9: Large black monolith turns into large black molar bleeding oil. Large molar spins into deep space and becomes a Space Oil Tanker named "Chevrona".
(Music: Strauss' "The Blue Danube" rises)

While I'd like to congratulate the Madrid campaign directly for the high stupid quotient of this mailer, the actual author/distributor is "New Mexico WOMEN VOTE!", a wholly owned subsidiary of EMILY's List. EMILY's LIst is the well-known national lobbying organization that used to matter back when female candidates were as rare as modern-day austrolopithici. EMILY's List did some important work back in the day, but now they evidently have plenty of free time to come up with stupid joke names like "Exxono" and "Chevrona".

I won't bore you with another faux movie scene, but can you just picture the brainstorming meeting at New Mexico WOMEN VOTE! that led to "Exxono" and "Chevrona"? Were these the best two names they could come up with? Were margaritas involved in making the choices "Exxono" and "Chevrona"? How many pitchers of margaritas?

Now I know the competition for "Stupidest Campaign Mailer of Election '06" is fierce. Why just the other day I got the Democratic Party Absentee Voter Ballot mailer featuring a cute, beyond uber-cuddly dog sticking out of a mailbox holding an envelope in its cute (and yes, cuddly) mouth. And that's not even mentioning the Heather Wilson mailers, all of which have the logical depth and consistency of Pat Robertson talking about Israel on the 700 Club.

Yes, competition is fierce, but I'm willing to pit this toothsome kid "Exxono & Chevrona" mailer against any of them. I also defy anyone who received the "Exxono" mailer to stare at those toothsome kids for 30 seconds straight. I tried it and about 16 seconds in started hallucinating. Some unknown amount of time passed and I found myself lying on the ground nearby in the pose of some sort of lizard or iguana.

You probably think I'm kidding.


Mario Burgos said...

It's just not fair. You get labeled as Conservative Republican, and they never send you the really "stupid" mailers. I feel like I'm really missing out here.

Anonymous said...

Mario, I think far right wing Bushbot is a more appropriate label for you.