Touch Me, I'm Sick: Feeling Grungy In the 505

Possible reasons why everybody in Albuquerque, including me, is currently unwell:

• Al-Qaeda introduced virus into Burque water supply
• Immune systems suppressed by wait for Madrid/Wilson race results
• Local custom of greeting others by licking hand instead of handshake
• That Diet Coke we shared last Sunday
• "Vagrants, gang-bangers, hookers and druggies" at the El Vado Motel
• APS Thanksgiving Meal served today with virulent green beans
• Small, but incredibly pointy alien spacecraft have flown/landed inside our small intestines
• Nancy Pelosi, because she's responsible for everything now
• That necklace around Nancy Pelosi's neck that controls everything including the incredibly pointy alien spacecraft
• Genetically evolved viruses and bacteria adapting to drug remedies such as antibiotics, antihistamines and Jack Daniels
• Not saying "Bless You" when people sneeze, thus unleashing an angry God who allows genetic evolution simply as a means to punish us
• Karl Rove's secret plan to lower voter turnout, just a couple of weeks late
• Liberals and their morally bankrupt secular gay lifestyle
• The existence of fiendishly conceived fecund virus breeding grounds otherwise known as middle schools
• Critically low threshold of pirate population reached due to global warming, as indicated by this graph from the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Notes: 1) Yes, the Flying Spaghetti Monster thing is SO 2004, but I've been waiting to throw that cool graph in since, forever; 2) By "pointy spacecraft" we mean spacecraft that make our small intestine feel as if it is trying to pass one of those medieval spikeballs knights swung around. You know, like this:

but with bigger spikes; 3) You might wonder why APS would serve its "Thanksgiving Meal" a full week before Turkey Day. So did we, and they even stiffed us on the dressing and cranberry sauce this year; 4) Here's hoping you are not one of those currently unwell in Burque, but, let's face it, you know it's only a matter of time, especially after we just licked your hand in greeting.