Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Charter School Oversight and "The Rookie"

Possible Recent Bank Robber High graduate, "The Rookie" (courtesy FBI)

Maybe in the rush to accept all those new charter schools over the last few years APS should have done a bit more checking before authorizing Bank Robber High. I think we can all agree that vocational training is important, especially at the High School level, but a closer examination of the proposed course catalog outlined in the school's charter application might have been wise. The following course descriptions are indicative of the school's trades-based emphasis (note that before the catchier name "Bank Robber High" was selected, the school was originally to be called Hi-Speed Bank Funds Acquisition Charter High School):

Creative Teller Notes 106: Students learn the sentence construction necessary for successful hi-speed bank funds acquisition, with a special emphasis on legibility and spelling. As instructor Virgil Starkwell always says, "nobody should have to do time because they didn't take the time to spell words like 'gun' and 'act' legibly."

Inconspicuous Entry 227: A variety of bank entry methods are examined, focusing on seminal questions in this aspect of hi-speed bank funds acquisition. These include: sweatshirt hood or business suit? Sunglasses or no sunglasses? Calm, unperturbed look or the more Postmodern blase cell phone look?

Ethics in Bank Robbery 499: In a Seminar format students discuss elemental questions in hi-speed bank funds acquisition, including whether bank customers should lie on the floor or hold their hands up, and the efficiacy of the demanding tone ("put the Goddamn money in the bag, bitch!") versus the more pleasant ("the money, the money, bitch, put the Goddamn money in the Goddamn bag, please!")

Update: Evidently Marc Matthew Dutch (AKA "The Rookie") didn't do well in Bank Robber High's Junior Level class on Avoiding Arrest, especially the "don't freak out and throw evidence with your fingerprints on it out of the getaway car" lesson. Maybe it's that newfangled whole language approach they use in these charter schools . Oh well, as John Goodman and William Forsythe's characters (Gale & Evelle Snoats respectively) say in "Raising Arizona":

GALE (holding cooked chicken leg to temple):    

Y'understand, H.I.,if this works out
it's just the beginning of a spree across the entire
Southwest proper.

We keep goin' till we can retire-or we get caught.


Either way we're fixed for life.

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