What Global Warming?

All I know is that it's November 11th and with absolutely NO input from me whatsoever I now have the makings of a Scotts Turf Builder TV commercial on my usually Fallujah-after-white phosphorous-bombing front lawn, my mulberry tree is dropping leaves every few minutes or so as if to say "can we start Winter already?" instead of the glorious 24 hour million-leaf drop day, and I have all the windows open in the house.

Fall is by far my favorite season, and the fact the golden leaves are staying on the trees longer is glorious, but it's glorious in that guilty, global warming, way and besides this having a Scotts Turf Builder lawn thing is freaking me out. I couldn't grow a nice green lawn with astroturf, and trust me, I've never wanted to have a nice green lawn. Evidently, the strange R. Crumb-esque woman who owned the house before we moved in five years ago was treating the xeriscaping with a plutonium-dioxin mix of herbicides and up to now nothing would grow except for those nasty-ass weeds you won't even touch with gloves on. Now, the half-life of the herbicide ending, we're getting this Norman Bates goes gardening greenery effect. I think I preferred the unlikable weeds.

Anyway, here's a picture of said lawn.

See how the grass is choking out my nasty-ass weeds? I want my nasty-ass weeds back! My xeriscaping is becoming Northeast Height's-Scaping and I don't like it.

We need a hard freeze in the worst way, and we also need a really strong wind to usher the cold weather in. These dropped leaves are piling up in my yard, and they really need to be moved over to my neighbor's house, pronto. And no, collecting the leaves in large Hefty bags and putting them in a nicely arranged line ready for trash collection isn't an option...whaddya think this is Connecticut or something? I love our wind-aided NIMBY attitude about leaves here, and I'll pick up a fallen leaf the minute someone takes my dead, cold fingers off..oh wait, that doesn't work...I'll pick up a fallen leaf the second my Judicial Activist Government forces me and my 2nd Amendment defending buddies at Supreme Court gunpoint.

Oh, by the way, for you fellow weather junkies out there, Weather Underground just launched this "personal weather station" interface with Google Maps that is way, way cool. Or way, way nerdy depending on your personal fascination with real-time temperature and wind direction. Hey, looking at the temperature at some guy's back yard in Four Hills sure as Hell beats picking up the leaves in my back yard.