A Solemn Vow

On the beyond infinitesimal chance that I someday run for public office, I want everyone to know the following now:

I have favored a flag-burning amendment to the U.S. Constitution way before Hillary Clinton even thought about it. It galls me that thousands, if not millions of flags are burned every day by so-called Americans with supposed grievances about alledged shortcomings in the direction of our nation. Just yesterday driving to work I must have seen 10 or 12 flags getting burned along the side of the road. If I'm ever elected to anything, even an office that has more to do with kickbacks and extortion like New Mexico State Treasurer, I will stop whatever it is I'm doing or supposed to do to make sure that a flag-burning amendment is added to the U.S. Constitution.

If elected and despite my efforts a flag-burning amendment isn't passed, I vow that I will have plenty of teary press conferences where I wax nostalgic about doing the Pledge of Allegiance in the 1st Grade and think about the Godless Communists who would even consider burning the flag that I looked at while standing up next to my little 1st Grade desk and tried to figure out exactly where my heart was in relation to my little boy nipple and shoulder blade so that I could put my hand there because Ms. Davis said if I didn't I wasn't a good American.

Oh yeah, I also want to make sure we add provisions to the flag-burning amendment to criminalize the following (penalties ranging from death to watching Raechel Ray cook pork):

1. Hanging the flag upside down, even by mistake
2. Hanging the flag of any other country up, even if it's the country the person "grew up in" or "supports in an insurgency against an invading power". This is America and your wimp-ass country flag is blasphemous.
3. Even threatening to burn a flag by holding a lighter next to it, even if you are in the 6th Grade and think this is one of those funny jokes that will get the girls to like you, especially those "bad girls" who really appeal to you for some reason you can't put your finger on.
4. Burn U.S. Currency, Selective Service draft cards, Driver's Licenses, IRS Forms, State Income Tax Forms or those franking privilege mailers from U.S. Rep Heather Wilson.
5. Burn or rip in half those junk mail envelopes mortgage companies that have American flag graphics on them in some psycho-twisted attempt to conflate refinancing with patriotism.
6. Burn or rip any other advertisement featuring American flags, the colors red, white and/or blue in some graphical relationship indicating a U.S. flag reference, however slight.

There's more, but dammit some guy next door is burning the Flag in his backyard even as I write this. Can't somebody do something about this!?!